Reflection
Women in Leadership - Self Care
There are many unique challenges and obstacles for women in leadership. Today I will focus on one of them - Self Care.
During the pandemic, women are impacted more than men. 1 million more women lost their job compared to men. This could potentially erase the progress made for the last 5 years in women leadership. For women who didn’t lose job, things are not so much easier. They may have a full time job at work and then another full time job of ‘homeschooling’ their children. Many say they are exhausted.
As women, we are caregivers by default. Many women juggle between a career, a family, kids, elder parents, cooking, cleaning, communities and much more.
You probably have heard this again and again. On the airplane you are instructed to put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others in the case of an emergency. It’s the same principle in life. If we don’t take care of ourselves, if we run out of energy, we can’t take care of the people around us. If we are not physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually healthy, we won’t have the ability to take care of other people even if we want to. It will negatively impact how we enjoy life.
What’s your way of self-care?
How much time do you leave to yourself on a daily basis?
What do you do to recharge?
What do you do when you feel down?
Physical Health
Someone said she wanted to lose 50 lbs, because the extra weight is giving her a lot of health related issues. She feels she is a prisoner of her own body.
What are you doing to ensure your body is working for you? What exercise are you doing? For me, it’s skiing, paddle boarding, running, hiking, yoga, biking, dancing and running stairs in my own house.
Do you know that exercise can also fight depression?
Mental / Emotional Health
During the pandemic, many people are feeling depressed, stressed and anxious. Every 1 out 6 people are seeking therapy. Besides the professional help, what else can you do to boost your mental health? For me it’s deep breath, meditation, visualization and connecting with people.
We don't know when our life can go back to normal. What does that new normal even look like? When you feel your energy is drained, what do you do? Is it to take a walk? Listen to music? Have a zoom party? Whatever that is, I hope you are doing something intentionally.
It took me many years to accept that taking care of myself isn’t selfish of me. It’s essential for me to recharge so that I can continue to raise a family, excel in my career and have fun in life.
Women in Leadership - Say No
In my 20+ years of career in technology, I experienced first hand the unique challenges and obstacles of being a woman in male dominated fields. Today I want to talk about one of the challenges that I personally struggled, still struggling, but getting so much better at - Say No. It doesn't mean that men don’t have this challenge, many do. However, it’s a fact that on average it is harder for women than men to say No.
Why is it?
Ever since we were little girls, we were taught to be princesses, to be nice, and to be caring. As a result, women are more likely to become people pleasers. We feel a need to say yes to show that we are team players. We feel that we will not be liked if we say no. We then may have too much on our plates. We may end up doing things we do not enjoy doing. We may have opportunities passed by because we are busy working on other things. We say yes to coworkers and our bosses. We say yes to our families that we will cook, clean and wash laundry. We say yes to our friends who need help. We say yes to communities that need our devotion. Not willing to say no often results in overwhelm and frustration. We feel guilty if we did day No. Without setting a healthy boundary, we can slip into catabolic energy.
How can we start to say No?
First we want to ask ourselves - is it aligned with our value? If the answer is no, then say No.
If the answer is yes, then ask ourselves whether we have the bandwidth to take this on. If the answer is no, then say so! Or what can be offloaded before saying yes. And so on…
How can we say no without feeling guilty?
Say No strategically - be honest. You could also offer another person or solution.
Keep in mind that you said NO because that’s the right thing to do and let it go.
I am a regular volunteer to various communities. A few years ago, while I was volunteering, my young kids were on their own. During stage performance, my child’s costume kept falling off. It may not be that big of a deal for a young child. But that’s when I realized that I wanted to spend more time with my own kids during that time. I made the decision to be less involved in that volunteering opportunity until my children are older.
How can you be excited to say No?
When you say No, you are saying Yes to the things you want in life.
Be confident to say no to things that are not aligned with your value.
Communication
Someone I am coaching shared that one of his goals this year is to improve communication.
What does good communication mean to you?
What do you want to communicate?
When do you communicate?
How do you communicate?
Do you know that only 7% of the verbal communication is what you say, and the 93% remaining is how you communicate? Your tone, your voice, you body language are way more important than the words you choose.
Why do you need a coach?
Someone shared that if you want to learn how to swim, you would go and find a swimming coach even though dolphins are better and natural swimmers. There is a huge difference between who is the best and who is the best of coaching. This is very true. Going through 8 months of coaching school and the practice of coaching many clients, I have learned a lot on how to coach others instead of teaching them or showing them the way - rather, I walk with them to find their ways. Because I know my life is different than theirs, what’s best to me may not be the best to them.
Women in Leadership - A Common Challenge
First, I would like to share a little bit about myself.
I grew up in a culture where boys are valued more than girls because they carry the family bloodline.
As a child, i believed that i was equally as capable as boys, so I was always the top #1 and a leader in my class.
I went to a high ranking university and studied aerospace engineering. There were only 18 girls among my class of 156 students in the department. With the same belief that i am as capable as boys, i graduated as top #1 and earned my free entrance to graduate school.
When i immigrated to US, everything changed
I lost confidence completely.
I didn’t understand other people and they couldn’t understand me
I avoided talking so that i didn’t get myself embarrassed
I tried to live in the vacuum of my own family and community
I remember how much I was sweating and how shivering my voice was in the early days when I had to deliver a presentation.
Gradually, with training and practice, I regained my confidence and have assumed many different leadership roles in technology. Currently, I am a VP and the head of learning and talent technology in a Fortran 100 company.
I often show up during recruiting events because I want to be a role model for other women, other women of color, other women immigrants and other women technologists.
In my 20+ years of career in technology, I experienced first hand the unique challenges and obstacles of being a woman in male dominated fields.
I was in a training program several years ago, the trainer showed us the statistics that show women in general are less confident. Women don’t take on a project or apply for a job until they are almost 100% sure, while men would do it if they are 60-70% sure. I didn’t believe it! I didn't believe it because I always thought my lack of confidence was just me who came to the US as an adult and was trying to regain my confidence. In fact, I went to my male co-workers and confirmed it.
That leads to the common challenge I want to talk about today.
Inner voice of I am not enough or imposter syndrome.
This can be demonstrated in many different ways. I am not good enough, I am not beautiful enough, I am not fit enough, I am not skilled enough and so on. As a result, women may be less confident and more fearful. Why women are less confident is very complicated. For example -
How society looks at women - even in high school, girls are considered less competent leaders because they are considered more dramatic.
There are less role models at corporate, government and politics. We are definitely seeing promising progress on this.
How we are brought up - for example, for me, the culture valued boys more than girls,
My point is not so much about how we get here even though it’s very important to understand. I want to focus on what we can do about it personally.
How much does this show up in your life?
How often do you feel that you are not enough?
What are you doing to overcome this feeling?
I worked on this in multiple ways -
I faced it head on. For example, when I felt that i am not good enough, my english is not good enough, I joined Toastmasters and completed my competent communicator.
I worked with my coaches to reduce my fear of not enough
I constantly remind myself that I am good enough. I am here for a reason. I am unique and no one can replace me.
I hope you too feel that you are the most beautiful creature in the world and you are perfect the way you are. This doesn’t stop us from continuing to improve ourselves. We are a masterpiece in progress.
Goal Setting
“He who fails to plan is planning to fail.” Winston Churchill.
- Looking back to 2020, are you happy with what you have achieved?
Pick an area or all areas of your life, make a goal to be happier and more satisfied in life and work.
- How much time are you planning to work on setting your goal?
- What does your goal look like?
- How SMART is it? (SMART - Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, Time Bound)
- How much will you stretch yourself on your goals? Is it too easy, too hard or just right? - What energy will you deploy when working on your goal?
- What might be in the way for you to achieve your goal?
- How will you hold yourself accountable?
- How sure are you about what you really want?
Most people are confused about what they really want. They believe what they are looking for is the outcome itself, when in fact, the ultimate goal is the feeling of satisfaction, triumph, peace, happiness or joy that occurs once a goal is achieved.
Less is now
I am playing a 30-day minimalism game.
What gives you joy?
How often have you looked at your collectables?
How much room do you have for the things you really want?
“Find a friend, family member, or coworker who’s willing to minimize their stuff with you next month. Each person gets rid of one thing on the first day of the month. Two things on the second. Three things on the third. So forth and so on.”
I tripled down - i am doing 3 times each day! First day 3 things, 2nd days 6 things and so on.
https://www.theminimalists.com/game/
Life Check Up
Every year, we go to our doctors and do an annual check up to ensure physical health is on track.
- When was the last time you had a life check up?
- How are you doing in all areas of life?
- How close are you to the success you long for?
- How happy are you with your relationships?
- How satisfied are you with your work/life balance?
Today’s activity is a life check up.
For each section of the wheel, circle the number that represents your current level of satisfaction. The higher the number, the more satisfied you are in that area. The areas include:
Family/Parenting
Career/Profession
Personal Finance
Health/Aging
Relationship (intimate / social)
Fun/Entertainment
Spiritual Awareness
Personal Development
Example: an entry level can grade her career as a 9 because she is very satisfied with where she is and where she is headed to, while a VP can grade his career as a 5 as he wants to be a CEO and has tried many years and still hasn’t got it.
What did you notice about your numbers?
Gratitude 20 for 20
Year 2020 is coming to an end. This year is full of unforgettable events. We will do this activity together, would you like to join us?
1. Get a piece of paper and a pen.
2. List 20 things you are grateful for this year. It can be anyone and anything.
3. If you include someone, not only mention the name, but also the events/actions that made you grateful.
4. Share it if you want to, or keep it to your heart.
The benefits of gratitude have been well studied and documented.
- Gratitude unshackles us from toxic emotions
- Gratitude has lasting effects on the brain
- Gratitude helps even if you don’t share it
https://greatergood.berkeley.edu/article/item/how_gratitude_changes_you_and_your_brain
Sleep
Sleep is NOT a luxury, but a necessity. Have you noticed your energy level goes down when you don’t have a good night’s sleep.
How well are you sleeping?
How much are you worried?
What are you stressed about?
How well are you handling anxiety?
Connect with me and I can help you reduce stress and anxiety so that you have a great night of sleep and live longer.
https://www.ted.com/talks/matt_walker_sleep_is_your_superpower?utm_campaign=tedspread&utm_medium=referral&utm_source=tedcomshare